Busted Flush
by Elfkid
Summary: Rogue reflects after the Blood of Apocalypse arc. One Shot.


**Title:** Busted Flush

**Summary:** Rogue reflects after the Blood of Apocalypse arc.

Answer to the 'know your enemy' challenge hosted at the X-men Fan Fiction Board

**Rated:** PG-13 for Language

**Dedicated to:**Eightcrayondon for challenging me to a duel and forcing me to walk a mile in her shoes- thanks!

The jet ride home, I remain silent. It is not so much I do not want to talk, as I am at a loss for words. I welcome the steady hum of the engines that allows me to ignore the senseless drabble Mystique and Pulse are discussing mere feet away.

Havok is just as quiet as he pilots us home. He's no Scott Summers but a Summers boy nonetheless and when he has that furrow in his brow, it's wisest to let him be.

Actually, the more I think about it, the silence is driving me crazy. Too many thoughts, reflections, feelings and all summing up to one thing: I feel stupid. No, not quite… stupid is not the best description. I feel… foolish.

It is amazing how in just a half hour I've been able to reflect on this new revelation, the new Remy, to add it all up, and I wonder why I let this go on so long.

When he first started his flirtations, it was cute, although cutting at the same time. The handsome charmer pursuing the girl he could never touch. I kept pushing him away, if he knew what was good for him, and it only served to feed his determination. I am not ashamed to say there was a bittersweet part of me that enjoyed the attention. He made me feel special and I grew to love him.

Over the years, we faced more than our share of rough parts. Trust has always been our biggest issue. Despite us both keeping some secrets close, it was while under our care for rehabilitation, Sabertooth was more than happy to divulge a past run-in with the Cajun, that I got a glimpse of what kind of man he was.

In order to prove himself to the guild, he need to acquire the pendant Le Etroile du Tricherie, and had no qualms using the heart of its owner, Genevieve Darceneaux to accomplish this. Long story short, once Gambit got his treasure, he was ready to skip town… except Sabretooth put him in a tight spot. Give Victor the pendant or he'd drop Genny or Gambit's brother Henri to their deaths. Gambit relinquished the pendant, Sabretooth released his grip, and Remy had a split second to choose who to save.

Family won out over love.

Victor Creed knew the damage he would do with his words and he succeeded. The doubt was placed in the back of my mind over whether Gambit could be loyal to his heart or even love…but that was nothing compared to what else we faced.

There was the kiss in Israel; sent him in a coma and me damn near crazy with his thoughts. I didn't know exactly what was in my head but I couldn't even bring myself to be near him and escaped across the country with Bobby.

After he awakened, I still needed time to myself, as hit thoughts began to acquire clarity in my mind's eye…

_Antarctica_. I look back on that and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I still have to tell myself it wasn't my mind, but it doesn't prevent me from wondering why I wasn't strong enough to fight it… now I remember the scenes of carnage, the innocent children slaughtered because of his reckless decisions. Their faces made the decision for me.

Nonetheless, I found myself returning to the icy wasteland for him, with no success and finally accepting him as dead. Of course, if I paid attention in X-man 101, I would have remembered that death is only a state of mind among our ranks. Charles has even joked there is a revolving door in heaven for the X-men.

It appears there may be one in Hell too.

Upon his abrupt return, I apologized, pouring every ounce of myself into my words to gain his favor, still feeling somehow guilty. He never forgave me... I push the thought away.

Then there was Joseph… noble, honorable… I was wary at first, not just because he happened to be derived of Magneto but he gave me something no one else could- contact. In the beginning, I was scared. I did not want my desire to be loved to become my downfall, influencing me to stay with someone I did not love in return.

To my surprise, that wasn't the case. Loving him came natural, like I had loved him all along- which only stood to reinforce my fear I loved him for shadows of the past, my time with Erik in the Savage Land. I too kept him at arms length and in my own way, I was happy, but as always, not for long.

His death hit me hard and I found myself back to Remy. I have come to notice I have returned out of familiarity. And it dawns, that I have the opposite problem of what I feared with Joseph- I stayed with someone I could not touch because I did not want to be hurt.

It worked famously. The baggage both of us carried kept us from having to pursue other interests of the heart. He was my pathetic safety net and I allowed it, even after Vargas nearly killed us, only to steal our powers. We could touch and I knew it was wishful thinking pretending it was everything we wanted, but we kept up, not wanting to lose the fondness that comes from familiarity. We had invested so much time into 'us' that it wasn't an option to discard it. I did not want to say I never tried.

I can't believe we even tried therapy with Emma Frost.

My heart smolders when I think of Gambit. Could I really have been so blind? Was he always a snake in the grass? My God, he knows who Apocalypse is. He was around for Warren's ordeal. Why? WHY! Was it really just because we voted to add Mystique to our ranks?

Remy himself was given a second chance after the mutant massacre. Why isn't my momma deserving as well?

Aren't the X-men about redemption? That fact is only reinforced within me by my second chance. I had no intention of letting my momma in with no strings attached. I've been watching her like a hawk because she has proven in the past that redemption is more than just a million dollar smile and sugar coated promises…

And what did she do? She fucked him. Not that he wasn't a willing participant. She enticed Gambit, purporting to prove that he wasn't right for me. Did it ever occur to her that I didn't care?

I glance over at Pulse. He smiles and winks at me. I just look away with annoyance. The weight of the situation appears to have no impact on him, not that I should expect it to. Does he really think this is all just a game? By outward appearances, men like Gus think they own the world and it's entitled to them whereas men like Remy know they own the world and give it to you. Both are devils in disguise that lurk under the guise of atonement.

The X-men are about redemption, that I have no doubt. If Gambit decides to return to the fold, I will not object, although I cannot say I will welcome him with open arms without the aid of time.

I accept Remy is not the man he once was. And I am no longer the same woman either. Once a scared little girl pleading for help, I evolved into a rough and tumble tom boy, to a woman coming into her own, and finally, I feel I am strong enough to discern who I am and what I want.

I am Anna Marie, Rogue, and an X-man. I am also a woman who does not want or need what 'momma thinks is best.'

I'll let Mystique keep up with her little games, futilely parading her 'pet' before me like a prize pony. I have learned a harsh lesson from Remy, and I am sorry it took so many times for me to finally accept that some things just are and some things just aren't. You cannot change people who do not want to be changed, they are who they are and you can only learn to work with them or move past them.

I know it is time I moved on.

I marvel that this newfound assertion does not ease the aching hollowness within me, but rather rearranges it so it is manageable. I can live with that.


End file.
